


visualizing, perceiving, comprehending

by damisnap



Category: Lego Ninjago, The LEGO Ninjago Movie (2017)
Genre: Autistic!Cole, Canon Divergence, Comfort/Angst, Derealization, Gen, Implied/Referenced Relationships, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Sensory Overload, Special Interests, Synesthesia, cole has a lot going on in his head, cole loves his friends, polyninja - Freeform, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25558327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damisnap/pseuds/damisnap
Summary: His name was Cole Oliver Brookstone, or so he had been told, and the way he functioned and processed things was different. Nothing bad, just different.To start, he had something called synesthesia. It was where he could hear colors and taste sounds. Cole was extremely in-tune with sound, specifically the sounds that were produced by his DJ equipment. He had an extensive knowledge when it came to it. He could talk about it for hours!He also had autism, which according to his father, just meant that his brain was wired differently. Nothing bad, just different.Oh, and he was also a Ninja. Specifically, the Elemental Master of Earth. He had powers that related to the ground you walk on, as well as rocks. He thought it was cool (but he should really be the Master of Sound - that would make much more sense).Now that he thinks about it, there really is a lot more to him than he originally thought. That...kind of rocks. Not literally, though.
Relationships: Cole/Jay Walker, Cole/Kai (Ninjago), Cole/Kai/Jay Walker/Zane, Cole/Zane (Ninjago)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 100





	visualizing, perceiving, comprehending

**Author's Note:**

> so i am part of a ninjago discord server and the cole headcanons we create? good. 
> 
> cole is so important to me. i love him dearly. he deserves the world. movie!cole in particular has my whole heart. he is a definitely a comfort character and i believe it shows in my writing :") if it doesn't. well. i will need to drastically change my tune. 
> 
> thank u ninjago server friends and cole brookstone for existing

“It's the Earth Ninja! When will he upgrade to digital?” A disruptive, interrogative voice called out to him. Having no clue where it was, or who it was, Cole didn’t process that it was talking to him. It produced a rather upsetting green in his peripherals. It felt like sandpaper on the back of his hands. It felt like an attack.

“No, I would never do that!” Cole spoke on autopilot. He would never do that. Switch to digital? The thought of even considering that was insulting. Working with vinyl was his everything, the feel of it under his fingertips made him feel safe and calm. It also produced a lovely lavender hue. He, Zane, and Kai were instructed to cover Downtown Ninjago. Cole had arrived last and when he had, he heard Kai comment about taking heavy fire. Already? They had just gotten started!

“Hold on, Kai, I've got you covered!" He expertly constructs various beats and riffs to play through his mech’s speakers, pressing a variety of buttons on his mixer as he reaches to grab the levers that controlled the arms of his mech. Cole moves with a practiced grace as he punches enemies out of his way, his Quake Mech gracefully spinning into position.

"Have you heard my latest track? It's a smash," Giving a firm push to one of his vinyls', the Quake Mech jumps and slams its' two fists onto the ground upon returning to the ground, a wave of sound invisible to the human ear pulsing through the fists of his mech, causing the concrete to crack and erupt underneath the pressure of his fists. He had his his target right on the dot, the enemy car flipping multiple times over in the opposite direction of Kai. The attack brought an array of orange and blue stripes into his vision, a vague hint of mint laying on the tip of his tongue. 

“Woah, badass! Thanks Cole!” Kai's voice floods into Cole's mech, the static of the intercom sending a pinching sensation along his lower back.

“I can’t believe that. Switching to digital. I would never do that,” Cole huffed in annoyance as he began piloting his mech to the coordinates Lloyd had sent his way. The Quake Mech was one of the only places where he felt grounded. Where he felt safe. Why would he get rid of his vinyls if he felt safe using them? It was strange, he felt that he was more human while in his mech with his equipment. It was weird. 

“You don’t get to feel the music with digital, all it is is pressing buttons! With vinyl, you get to create the sound from scratch using the-“

“Hey, I’d love to hear more about this, but let’s stay focused for now, alright?” Lloyd called out to Cole through the intercom.

“Alright,” Cole spoke in a clipped and bitter tone. He would keep it to himself for now but he certainly wasn’t happy about it. He needed to talk about this, he felt the pressure building up in his chest! He had to share how he felt about this particular topic! It was a very important one and he needed the others to know about it!

“How about you tell me about it tonight? We can video chat, if you’d like,” Jay offered. Cole paused for a moment, processing what Jay had said.

“Alright. What time?” Cole’s voice was calmer now.

“Hm..how about 8pm?”

“Alright,” And with that, Cole had reached his destination.

\---

School was, as Kai put it, "sensory hell". He was right. It was horrible, there were always a plethora of sounds touching and prodding at him, textures producing unruly colors that pained him to see, it was horrible. It was why he wore headphones throughout the day and throughout his classes. He frequented detention because of it but he would much rather that then have fingernails digging into his forearms due to the shrill laughter of cheerleaders. He believed he had forgotten his headphones at home today, so, Cole had his boombox propped on his shoulder instead, the speaker right against his ear.

“Hey, Nya where'd you get that bike? At the, uh, Great Stuff Store?" Jay’s voice was always one that brought relief and comfort to Cole, healing hands touching his cheeks and forehead, occasionally on his stomach and calves which was. Weird. He didn’t understand that part. It didn't happen today. Jay was strange, he normally didn’t produce color. The sound of his voice made Cole feel like someone was touching him.

Cole saw Jay visibly falter as his nervousness overtook him, a strict furrow in his brow. Cole reached out to rub a thumb over the crease. Jay’s mouth gaped as he tried to find words to say, and Cole noted his cheeks flushing in color. Cole didn’t understand why he had reacted that way. A smile was quick to form on his features as Nya showed off the new design of her bike. Cole saw the design and was instantly intrigued, he loved it! The design offered a gentle tapping on his right shoulder.

He had noticed some cheerleaders come by and stop in front of their group. Their expressions were angry and they pinched the bridge of Cole's nose when he saw it. However, Cole had no clue what they were saying or doing, his music and the excitement of Nya's bike had blocked it out. Nya's design was spectacular! He wanted to know the creation process in step-to-step detail, from start to finish, he loved it so much. Cole wondered what the cheerleaders were saying.

\---

After their rather intense encounter with Garmadon himself, the Ninja were all returning to their garage/hangout area. Cole’s fingertips were still thrumming from the contact with his turntable. He still felt the vinyl against his fingertips; it produced a delicate hum in his head.

As he and the others exited their mechs, Cole couldn't think of anything else besides his DJ equipment. He did not want to partake in whatever conversation was happening between Nya and Lloyd in that moment. Instead, he wandered over to one of his favorite items in the garage: the Jukebox. He focused intently on the buttons: which ones lit up and which ones clicked. He ran his fingers over them, beginning to tap them in the specific ways he did on the mixer in his Quake Mech. Man, he desperately wanted to go back in there. He had discovered a new attack while training and, wow, the sound of it brought the most beautiful shades of blues he had ever seen, circles and ovals flooding his vision.

He didn’t get to use it today and that made him. Not happy. The Jukebox, however, was making him very happy.

“How did our battle go for you, Cole?” Zane approached him, the electronic ring of his voice instantly scaring him, causing him to jump as a a horrid purple formed a direct line over his eyes. Cole blinked and tried to shake it off, covering his eyes with one hand. He was unable to give a verbal reply. He had the buttons on the Jukebox memorized, he recited the location of the buttons on his mixer as he pressed them with his free hand.

“Hang on. I will turn down the volume of my vocal programming,”

“Is this better?” Cole’s shoulders were quick to relax at Zane's adjusted, softer tone, the purple fading from his vision. Cole removed the hand from his eyes, instantly resuming his fixation on the buttons of the game, continuing to verbalize the buttons of his mixer under his breath. Cole shrugged his shoulders.

“But like, exactly what are you referring to?” The uncertainty in Lloyd’s voice came in the form of cyan pixels floating throughout Cole's vision on a translucent white background. The pixels moved in a slow, but agitated manner. He was instantly hooked on the conversation as he turned around to face Lloyd.

“The vulnerability,” Cole piped up, the pixels instantly blinding him. Instinctively, he leaned on Zane, setting his arm to rest on his shoulder. His affect remained neutral and unbothered. Cole often leaned on Zane if and when the colors he saw became overwhelming; if his synesthetia was acting up. The quietest of clicks come from Zane’s inner machinery, they sparked a maroon color. Cole registered it as a happy sound, it was similar to when he heard the clicking to his turntable as he placed a record onto it.

“Where's that tranquil music coming from?” The softest of ribbons of periwinkle came into view. They strengthened as the music came closer, he was certain he was the first to hear it out of everyone. When it was discovered that Master Wu had returned, everyone instantly rushed to go see him. Cole began to go with the group but he had noticed Lloyd hesitate for a moment. He set a firm hand on Lloyd's shoulder as he came up behind him.

“Hey, what’s up, Cole?" Lloyd looked like something was hurting, like he was in pain. His features were scrunched up as he offered Cole a smile. A smile meant that you were happy, it was clear Lloyd wasn’t.

“You’re not happy. You’re hurt,” Lloyd’s shoulders immediately tensed as he made a pained sound. Cole gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze as the cyan pixels swarmed his vision once again.

“Yeah...but, don’t worry, alright? I’ll be okay,” Lloyd gave Cole’s hand a pat, noticing Cole’s unfocused eyes.

"I'm not happy. Didn't get to use an attack I wanted to," “I'm sorry, that's rough, dude. It's a good thing that there'll be plenty more battles to come, right?" Lloyd let out a laugh and Cole didn't understand why. If Lloyd had said something that was a cause for laughter, Cole didn't catch it. A moment of silence was held between the two.

"Come on, he’s this way,” Lloyd held onto Cole’s hand as he began to lead him in the direction of Master Wu. When Cole could focus and see again, he let go of Lloyd’s shoulder and walked the rest of the way at his own pace. He immediately leaned on Zane upon reaching him. There were no remaining pixels, though, it was just out of habit.

\---

Master Wu had told them to train. For three hours. Not only that, but he had said that they weren't real Ninja because they used their mechs. Then he left with Lloyd. What the hell were they supposed to do with that? Train for three hours and read some book he had provided? No, Cole wasn't doing it. Absolutely not. He refused. Cole was just as good of a Ninja whether he used his mech or not. Who was Master Wu to diss their mechs in the first place? He hadn't even offered them any guidance or help.

As soon as the two had left, Cole made a beeline for his Quake Mech. He leaned against the side of the tire that was away from everyone. Earbuds already in, he rested his cheek against the rubber with his arms crossed protectively over his chest. He was not happy. It quite literally left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

“Hey, Cole, come on, dude," Kai is by his side in an instant. Cole lowers the volume of his music in order to hear Kai.

"It won’t be that bad,” Cole shakes his head with a frustrated grunt, turning away from Kai. Kai lets out an exasperated sigh, a ridiculously bright shade of rosy pink overtaking Cole’s senses at the sharp upset Cole felt at those works. His Quake Mech was more than just a machine to him, it was a part of him. His mech and his equipment were an extension of him, of course he'd want to work with them.

This was new. Kai normally produced bright yellows, why did the color change. Why did the color change to pink? He was talking to Kai, he associated Kai with yellow, that wasn't supposed to happen.

“You want to train in your mech today, huh?” Cole eyes Kai, expression softening. He slowly looks down to his MP3 player and pauses his music, giving Kai a slight nod. Kai's familiar, warm yellow begins to pour into his vision again. 

“Okay. How about this: first, let’s do some physical training, we don't have to do three hours. Believe me, no one's doing that shit. Then, you and I can take the mechs out for a spin. That sounds good, bro?”

Cole looked at Kai with a set smile on his face, standing upright with a determined expression.

"Spin," Cole mimics Kai's tone as he says the word, holding his hand out to the other while nodding in confirmation.

“Hell yeah, spin! Let’s do this!” The yellow was vibrant as it danced around Cole’s vision, it stayed with him as Kai kept a hold of his hand as they headed back to the others.

\---

“The Pioneer brand has a lot of high-quality turntables and equipment, like their PLX-500-K. I don't have those ones, though, I have the PLX-1000. My issue with Pioneer is that I have to buy the turntables and mixer separate. I don't get them all in one unit and I like having all of the parts in one piece of equipment. However, since most brands that have the equipment combined are set up for digital DJ-ing, or for using CD's, I do gotta stick with their brand. There are cases where you can put your equipment in, though, so it looks like one whole unit. I have one of those. I also like the ones that light up, I enjoy seeing the colors. The mixer I have, the Pioneer DJM-S9, has LED buttons on it. They're really cool, here, I'll show you," Cole’s hands gestured excitedly in front of him as he spoke. His affect was neutral, his voice keeping a consistent, neutral tone, as well. There was an occasional intonation change in his voice whenever he mentioned specific features he really enjoyed.

“See, here it is. The LED’s in this one are super vibrant,"

“Wow, Cole! That’s super cool - the lights in that one are very pretty,” Nya’s voice was always smooth, always pleasurable to listen to. It was never one that hurt Cole’s ears or one that flustered him. Her voice tasted like apple cider.

“Woah, woah, woah, wait...You’re talking about turntables without me?” Cole giggled as Kai’s booming voice graced his eardrums. His vision blossomed into an array of golden yellow shapes in front of him as Kai approached him and Nya.

“Let me see what we’ve got here - oh, dude - isn't this the mixer you have?” Cole nodded excitedly as Kai placed his hands on Cole’s shoulders, leaning over to get a closer look at the mixer.

"Kiss," Cole chirped. The widest of smiles spread onto Kai's features as he pressed an over-exaggerated kiss to Cole's temple.

"Gross," Cole wiped the kiss off of his temple, he didn't like the feeling of saliva or wetness on his skin.

“Alright, Cole. What other pieces of equipment have LED’s like these bad boys? What about speakers?”

“With speakers, you have to do your research because there are a lot of faulty brands out there. With LED lights specifically: the more you pay, the higher quality they will be. Here, these are the ones I have in my Mech-“ Nya and Kai nodded and smiled as Cole pulled the lights up via a Google search, the Smith siblings verbally and physically encouraging him to continue sharing as he went on. It was nice that they were also interested in this topic. Although, they should just install their own DJ equipment if they were that interested.

\---

Cole was a mess. He was an absolute disaster, he didn’t even know what had happened. He couldn't even remember; he couldn’t think right. His brain wasn’t working. A hodgepodge of angry colors, shapes, and squiggles bombarded him. He couldn’t separate the colors from his own thoughts. His skin prickled, stung, and burned. He might be screaming, he might have punched something. The colors and shapes continued to become more volatile and shaky, he feels his fist collide with a solid object. None of his senses were making sense. His mech was destroyed and so was he. His equipment was wrecked and so was he. He was lost. He was done for. He was nothing without his mech.

“Hey, Cole, easy, buddy. You’re safe, you’re alright,” Cole roared, the tears rolling down his face tasting like cayenne pepper. All of his words were flashing white in his head, a fist flew at whoever was in front of him. He felt betrayed, disassembled, worthless. His fists were being held tight and it stung. The Quake Mech was his everything, it was one of the only things that kept him functioning. Kept him secure. Kept him human.

A violent blue flashed in front of Cole’s eyes. Cole felt himself rip away from his body as he ripped his hands away from whatever was holding them as he began to roughly pull at his own hair, falling to his knees as he continued to hysterically sob. Through his sobs, a “muh” sounding grunt came out as he hugged himself tight. Cole curled into himself, repeating the grunting sound. He needed his Quake Mech. He needed his Quake Mech. 

“You miss your mech, don’t you?” Jay quietly offered, sitting beside Cole. Jay’s presence offered some semblance of warmth, he felt the feeling of a rope being tugged in his chest. Cole nodded, the sound continuing to form on his lips.

“May I hold your hand?” Zane spoke in a hushed tone, Cole barely registering the robotic buzz of his voice. Cole squeezed his eyes shut, nodding as he held out a shaky hand. Zane delicately took Cole's hand into his own; Zane rubbed his thumb against the back of his hand and it tasted sickeningly sweet.

“I’m putting my hand on your back, okay?” Jay stated before performing his action. Kai kept his hands to himself, softly shushing Cole and reminding him that he was safe here. Cole knew he was safe with Kai. And Jay. And Zane. The colors began to dull and fade as he began to de-escalate from his meltdown, his body feeling extremely heavy. He hummed a “mm” sound, stimming with Zane’s hand by tapping on his fingers. The touch produced a D major chord in his head, the sound restarting with each tap.

“Hey, don’t you apologize, it’s okay. Okay?” Kai leaned in to hug Cole, wrapping his arms around the other’s shoulders. “Oh, shit, I forgot to ask, I-“ Cole pulled him right back into the hug, Jay melting into the hug on Cole’s back. Zane continued to let Cole stim with his hands. The three of them continued to comfort Cole until he had had fully de-escalated and returned to his baseline. The three of them would continue to comfort Cole after that, as well. Whatever he may need, they would be there.

\---

His name was Cole Oliver Brookstone. At least, that's what he was told. Rationally, he knew it was his name. It was his given name at birth. Looking down at his name, written in the best penmanship he could muster, it didn't feel right. It didn't look right. His name made him feel many things. It often left him conflicted, how could something so blatantly real feel like it wasn't? He didn't understand. It was literally his name but it didn't feel that way. He felt disconnected to it, to his name, to himself. Shaking his head and abruptly standing from his desk, he lets out a low, frustrated grumble.

He moves to sit on his bed, a rotation of soothing reds, purples, and pinks flooding his bedroom. Sometimes, the colors tasted like salted caramel. Sometimes, the colors felt like a hand running through his hair. Cole leaned back against the multitude of blankets and pillows he had in his bed, mentally sinking into his nightly routine of pulling his MacBook out from underneath his pillows and placing his headphones on his ears before plugging them in. The short-lived feeling of putting the plug into the headphone jack felt like a warm, silver tone to him. He recently had gotten off of the phone with Jay. He wished he could talk with him again tonight. If Cole were being honest, Jay was one of his favorite people.

Booting up GarageBand, he opened a new Google tab. He couldn't feel the music like he could with his vinyls, but he did enjoy creating small tunes nonetheless. He stared at the Google tab, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. There was no way feeling detached from your body was a real thing. There was no way, he knew he had a physical body. One could not physically detach from it.

 **I feel separated from my body** He types into the search bar, the clicking of the keyboard keys scratching at the lobes of his ears. Looking at the "people also ask" tab, the words producing an antagonizing salmon color.

 _What is it called when you feel out of your body?_ Cole clicks to find the answer.

"Dep- depers- derealization," He couldn't process the first word enough to properly read it.

 _Derealization._ **Cole Oliver Brookstone**. _Derealization._ The word alongside his name caused a shrill bell ringing in his ears, followed with the taste of metal. The combination caused him to hiss in pain as he covered his headphone-clad ears. He was quick to open one of his save files in GarageBand, desperate to get away from the metal ringing.

All was calmed when a soothing hip-hop beat began playing through his headphones. Cole began editing and adjusting, quickly losing himself in the process.

His name was _**Cole Oliver Brookstone**_ and he learned tonight that there, in fact, was a name for the disconnect that he felt.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think !! i am contemplating continuing this because it's? what cole deserves
> 
> to every cole lover reading this: i love the You.
> 
> :-) stay safe, everyone!


End file.
